July 4th 2009

Journal entry from.. July 4th 2009

It's 11 a.m. My last text message reads:

"...he gonna kill!"

Jon is referring to Andrew reading my journal entries that I wrote over the years of Jon breaking my heart.

My reply:
"Nah, plus it was before I knew him. He'll kill you for all those tears I cried."

Jon replies:
"...well stick the knife in again!"

"You know I love you."

And it's true, I do. Love that's as much a part of who I am as any part of me.
I have a boyfriend and it's not Jon. Two and a half years ago, I met Andrew on MSN Messenger. There is so much more to theserelationships that I could ever write down and hope it to be coherent or even half as heartwrenching and passionate as it all felt.A year ago, ANdrew stepped off a plane into the great Los Angeles International Airport. For two weeks and then 9 months, we spent every night together. We moved into our own home and then I was pulled back. Back to the United States. Back to my parents' home. Stripped from my lover. We both ache. But you see, I find relief where Andrew does not. Someone to love me. A man I wanted more than life itself. Sharing my lust. Forbidden. I fall. I fail.

Trying to find home.

This will be my chronicle of going home. Finding home. Finding love.

At this very moment, I sit in my sister's bedroom, where she lives in Phoenix, AZ with her girlfriend, Bridget. They've known each other since they were in 1st Grade. They grew up as best friends and just around a year ago admitted to my father that they intended on getting married some day. Both 20, and students. Striving to find their place in the video game industry, after finishing school and moving to California.

I sit here and wonder about my life. Think about the last year of my life. The last two years. When I made a choice between two people. Two men that love me very much. A year after making that choice, I moved to New Zealand to live with the boy of my dreams. My everything. My heart, my soul. The one person that I had found comfort in. The one person I thought would love me uncontrollably. 9 months after that...

No, I don't have a baby. Doi! But I am back in the states. Living with my parents and unemployed. Andrew, in New Zealand, continuing school. Living with his best friend, Thomas.

And now I seem to be stuck in the middle of these two men again.

Jon, working and saving up money. We plan to... well, run away.

So, what am I thinking?

All my happiness is in New Zealand? Not exactly. Andrew and I are in New Zealand. That life, if I so choose it, is there. It's happy. It's full of real, life-long committment and love.

I'm in Arizona.

Jon is in Texas.

We both haven't exactly settled down yet.

I'm as confused and irritated and annoyed with everything as I've ever been.
I hate this.

My parents want me to start school. As do I. Just don't know what for yet.

I have a traveling itch. Jon can scratch it.

I miss Andrew. He's 7,000 miles away. We deserve a second chance.

I don't want to think about it right now. I can find happy in the states. Maybe I'll visit the notion of going back another day.

Just don't forget what happened. I won't.

For now.. I'm just gonna try to find home.



~Toma