Journal entry from.. July 15, 2009
What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What kind of lifestyle do I want to have when I get older?
I feel safety with Andrew because we would both have careers and then we plan on traveling the world. Andrew owns his own home. We would be anchoredin Christchurch with his family.
What about Jon? Good question. I have no idea what his goals in life are. No idea. I would put off school to go on the road with him. And I would love every second of it. "Netoma do something for yourself. Be happy"That's all I want, is to be happy.
I have a fleeting soul, ,in that all I ever want to do is run. To feel free.I'm tying to make everyone else happy.Getting a job is for myself but it's to pay for plane tickets for Andrew and pay for my phone to talk to Jon and Andrew.Go to school for my parents' sake and to get back to New Zealand to be with Andrew.
What do I want more than all of that?
I want to run away with Jon.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
July 11th 2009
Journal entry from... July 11th 2009
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
Friday, August 7, 2009
Dear dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets. You're the only one that I know who'll keep them. July 8th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 8th 2009
There's a reason that secrets are secrets.
Reasons for keeping secrets include:
-embarrassment
-fear
-love
...shame
Secrets protect people. They give power to their holders. They always hurt... someone.
My biggest secrets are kept out of shame and embarrassment. I keep them to protect the people around me. I'm afraid people wouldn't love me anymoreif they knew the me that I do.
I realized this morning that I have a whole new set of secrets. Seccrets from Jon. I feel the need to keep things about myllove life secret from him out of love. Fear of hurting him. I want to be open about everything with him, but I understand now that it's wishful thinking.
I'm very good at hurting people when I don't mean to.
"-holds tight to self- No matter if we fight or hurt eachother, this will always be wonderful to me. Just holding you all night. True happiness"
Always hurts me 10x more than them.
There's a reason that secrets are secrets.
Reasons for keeping secrets include:
-embarrassment
-fear
-love
...shame
Secrets protect people. They give power to their holders. They always hurt... someone.
My biggest secrets are kept out of shame and embarrassment. I keep them to protect the people around me. I'm afraid people wouldn't love me anymoreif they knew the me that I do.
I realized this morning that I have a whole new set of secrets. Seccrets from Jon. I feel the need to keep things about myllove life secret from him out of love. Fear of hurting him. I want to be open about everything with him, but I understand now that it's wishful thinking.
I'm very good at hurting people when I don't mean to.
"-holds tight to self- No matter if we fight or hurt eachother, this will always be wonderful to me. Just holding you all night. True happiness"
Always hurts me 10x more than them.
It's too late to wish success. July 6th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 6th 2009
Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"
He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.
Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?
I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.
Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"
He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.
Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?
I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
This is who I am, who I'm not and Who I want to be. July 5th 2009
Journal entry from: July 5th, 2009
I love.
Sometimes love is a burden. A puppeteer. I can't help who I have fallen in love with. They pull me by heartstrings. Have me like no other.When you look into someone's eyes, what do you look for?When you look into my eyes, what do they show you?How is it so easy for me to BE with the perso right in front of me when my heart knows I shouldn't?I don't lie to people. I with hold information.
"Not good enough. If the two of us aren't enough nothing, NOTHING ever will be..."
There's someting I'm not doing. Jon is horribly insecure and he seems to think I have a half dozen or more boy toys.. He is just another doop.If he onlly knew how wrong that was. I wish he knew how alone I feel. He gives me a happiness that only one other person in my life ever has.And still, his voice is the one I want to hear before I sleep. I want to make sure at least his day ended well.
I love.
Sometimes love is a burden. A puppeteer. I can't help who I have fallen in love with. They pull me by heartstrings. Have me like no other.When you look into someone's eyes, what do you look for?When you look into my eyes, what do they show you?How is it so easy for me to BE with the perso right in front of me when my heart knows I shouldn't?I don't lie to people. I with hold information.
"Not good enough. If the two of us aren't enough nothing, NOTHING ever will be..."
There's someting I'm not doing. Jon is horribly insecure and he seems to think I have a half dozen or more boy toys.. He is just another doop.If he onlly knew how wrong that was. I wish he knew how alone I feel. He gives me a happiness that only one other person in my life ever has.And still, his voice is the one I want to hear before I sleep. I want to make sure at least his day ended well.
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