It's too late to wish success. July 6th 2009

Journal entry from.. July 6th 2009

Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"

He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.

Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?

I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.