Journal entry from... July 11th 2009
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
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Life is not easy, sometimes.
ReplyDeleteJust keep in mind that you can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do. If he DOES hurt himself (which he probably won't)--that's HIS decision, not yours!
You really don't have that much power.