August 27th 2009

Journal entry from... August 27th 2009

It would be wrong to say that Andrew and I have decided to just be friends right now, because I ave decided that. He keeps telling me how he doesn't see what's changed, but I feel it.

And no, this doesn't mean that I've chosen to be with Jon.

But the good thing about this is that I can explore my options. I'm not looking to ''see what's next''. I still feel like this isn't the end for Andrew and I.

I told both of them that if a girl comes around and wants to be with one of them that they shouldn't think twice, they should go.

Jon's response: "I can't do that, Netoma."
Andy's reponse: "I don't want to be with anyone, but you."

I love them both very much. I think this is the best thing to do right now.

Freedom. Spreak my wings. In time, I'll see and I'll realize who is really here for me, too.
So far, they're both very close still. I know I was afraid of Andrew never speaking to me again, but he's offered to ''take me back'' if that's what I choose.

So, I'm really happy about everything kind of. I feel resolution even though I sene adventure in the near future.

Journal entry from... August 28th 2009

If life is blank pages, I want to fill he with you.
Handwritten pages of bright sun and a sky of blue.
I want fairytales and fluffy, perfect nimbulus clouds.
Stand toe to toe with the depths of the Grand Canyon.
And you know that little heart I draw above my nail?
It's yours.

I will send all mylove to you in spirit. Each pen stroke is my heart bleeding out.

Half way aroundthe country...
.. or half way around the world...

I'll get to you.

Love me do.
Love me don't.

I love you blushes. And flutters of eyelashes long your cheeks. Kiss my eyes, lay me down.
Warm shudders.

Andrew and Jon are both so pretective of me. It's kinda ridiculous. Neither of them is any less in love with me. Especially not Andrew, surprisingly.
Jon has so much life going on right now. He's still with Rachael, even. Says it's going to end no matter what. I just woner why it hasn't ended already... does he have honest intentions. Wouldn't seem that way to me. So he can hurt and beg and be all feauxcocky, I'm just going to continue to listen to his ''I love you''s and try and be happy.

Journal entry from... August 29th 2009

Andrew and I seem alot more comfortable this way. No pressure, but I do still feel hi hold on me.
We 'made love' yesterday. Like madness, it was the most amazing thing. Weird that we could connect like that considering the circumstances.

There's tension between Jon and I. I guess he assumed that since I broke up with Andrew, I'm ready to commit to him which is not the case.
Yes, I love him and I want to hae a serious relatipnship with hm, move in, do that whole thing, but I'm not ready to jump into something like that. Andrew has hurt e. I've learned so much about myself and about not going about males. He promises that what happnned between Andy and I won't happen again. I'm still very wary.

I will altleast wait until Jon gets free of Rachael's death grip on him. bitch.

Beginning a relationship with Jon is pretty much an end-all with Andrew. Andy has changed so much for me and so has Jon. Sure, Jon doesn't know me like Andrew does, but I think that my soul really needs what Jon is for me. He is new, he's therapeutic. He has experienced life in a way that neither Andy and I have. That makes me very comfortable with him. Makes me feel secure, too.

Can't wait to feel the way he kisses and holds me.
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