Journal entry from.. July 27th 2009
Saying that someone is yours. I've never held more truth in my words than when I say that Andrew is mine. Couldn't ever, wouldn't ever love anyone like he loves me. I believe him, too.
I've never felt like Jon was mine. Even though I lived for that kid. His heart was spread out. In a million pieces, but I clung to that millionth of a piece. Never let it go. Buried it deep in my heart.
He's still with his girlfriend, btw. She says "love" and he says it back. Kisses. Holds her. Sex stopped a long time ago, thank goodness.
Should I care about is so much? Why does another woman in his arms bother me?
Easy answer.
It's still hard to admit... since he's not mine and I'm not his.
Makes it a hard answer.
I'm so selfish.
I wonder if my insecurities make me cling to men that give me sexual attention. Acceptance.
They love me. I dearly love them.
I kinda miss not having love.
Ironic now that I have too much.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
July 26th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 26th 2009
Keep them seperated.
I found that keeping my relationship with each of them seperate from one another is the best way to keep everyne happy. The problem with that is that then I begin to feel guilty. I feel like I have two boyfriends. In a way, I guess I kind of do in that both of them only desire me. They tell me each day how much they love me. How much they both want to only have me. Once I realize this, well, then I try to confess. That is when doubts, insecurities and issues all start coming out.
I know. This is my own doing. I should choose and stick with a decision, but...
I love both of them. They are both so different. And so I love them for different reasons, but they both love me very much.
Jon doesn't think anyone will ever stay with him.
Andrew thik he isn't good at anything.
They'll blame themselves for when I choose.
This won't be forgotten.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so stupid.
They make me so so happy. I'm so so loved.
But...
Is this really worth it?
Keep them seperated.
I found that keeping my relationship with each of them seperate from one another is the best way to keep everyne happy. The problem with that is that then I begin to feel guilty. I feel like I have two boyfriends. In a way, I guess I kind of do in that both of them only desire me. They tell me each day how much they love me. How much they both want to only have me. Once I realize this, well, then I try to confess. That is when doubts, insecurities and issues all start coming out.
I know. This is my own doing. I should choose and stick with a decision, but...
I love both of them. They are both so different. And so I love them for different reasons, but they both love me very much.
Jon doesn't think anyone will ever stay with him.
Andrew thik he isn't good at anything.
They'll blame themselves for when I choose.
This won't be forgotten.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so stupid.
They make me so so happy. I'm so so loved.
But...
Is this really worth it?
July 25th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 25th 2009
I want to see Rhode Island. Who's going to take me to see it?
I wonder if the stars are the same everywhere you go.
I wonder...
I wonder where I'm going to end.
And I wonder.. who will be with me.
Death.. is always looming. I don't think about it often, but I do. It's like a myth almost. It's like a magical thing. People disappearing. All over, death doesn't discriminate.
When I dream of the future, I don't see here. I'm always away from here. Away in perfect places with perfect people. I guess that's why its dreaming.
I need to make my future. Stop trying to find it.
Choose.
Love is coming home.
I want to see Rhode Island. Who's going to take me to see it?
I wonder if the stars are the same everywhere you go.
I wonder...
I wonder where I'm going to end.
And I wonder.. who will be with me.
Death.. is always looming. I don't think about it often, but I do. It's like a myth almost. It's like a magical thing. People disappearing. All over, death doesn't discriminate.
When I dream of the future, I don't see here. I'm always away from here. Away in perfect places with perfect people. I guess that's why its dreaming.
I need to make my future. Stop trying to find it.
Choose.
Love is coming home.
July 24th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 24th 2009
It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.
I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.
Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!
Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.
Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.
I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.
I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.
So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.
It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.
I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.
Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!
Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.
Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.
I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.
I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.
So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Think I wanna die if you don't stay... July 22nd 2009
Journal entry from.. July 22nd 2009
Next weekend.
...
Next weekend?!?!
That's what he told me. Next weekend. So, what happens now?
School starting just around the corner. Do I shoot to start school in December?
I still need to find a job. So, do I waste some time with Jon? Do I have time to waste?
Why do I even want to be with Jon? It's a valid question to ask myself. I'll answer it as best as I can right now.
Jon is like a ... he's older than I am. He's been through a lot. Things that I can't even imagine. He makes me happ in a way that only he could. I love his odd sense of humor. His bluntness. His honesty and sincerity. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to know me like noone else does. Or could. He's morbid and twisted. He's fucked up and I imagine easily an asshole. I wouldn't ever let him treat me bad. Not that he would. I don't think he ever could. I often wonder why the pull between us is so strong. How did it ever get this way? Is there consistency to it? Or are we bonded by the siple fact that we have a bond? I know that because he loves me, I cling to it, but I do really love him.
And I really need to be held right now.
So, in that way, I need him.
Next weekend.
...
Next weekend?!?!
That's what he told me. Next weekend. So, what happens now?
School starting just around the corner. Do I shoot to start school in December?
I still need to find a job. So, do I waste some time with Jon? Do I have time to waste?
Why do I even want to be with Jon? It's a valid question to ask myself. I'll answer it as best as I can right now.
Jon is like a ... he's older than I am. He's been through a lot. Things that I can't even imagine. He makes me happ in a way that only he could. I love his odd sense of humor. His bluntness. His honesty and sincerity. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to know me like noone else does. Or could. He's morbid and twisted. He's fucked up and I imagine easily an asshole. I wouldn't ever let him treat me bad. Not that he would. I don't think he ever could. I often wonder why the pull between us is so strong. How did it ever get this way? Is there consistency to it? Or are we bonded by the siple fact that we have a bond? I know that because he loves me, I cling to it, but I do really love him.
And I really need to be held right now.
So, in that way, I need him.
Can my heart really break in two? One piece for him and one piece for you? July 17th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 17th 2009
I hate it when Andrew talks shit about America. Like he has any right to judge this country. Pisses me off.
Jon's family is not doing well, healthwise. So, he's real stressed out right now. We haven't really talked too muc in the last week.
Mama's goin' through stuff right now with her breast and it feels really good, because Jon knows what it's like.
I feel very close to Jon.
I miss him tons right now.
It's tense between Andrew and I. So distant. So regretful. Full of "What if"s and it's just depressing to think about how distant we were. I'm sorry that I ignored it. I love him so very much. "We went through alot whil you were here." It's true, we did. We really did. It's impossible to ignore that. I don't take it back either. It hapened. Things happen for a reason. I believe that with everything in me.
This is happening for a reason, too.
Am I suppse to be strong and stay with Andrew?
Is my honesty being tested?
Are Jon and I being tested?
Am I suppose to be here for Jon?
Were Jon and I always suppose to be together?
One piece for him, one piece for you?
I hate it when Andrew talks shit about America. Like he has any right to judge this country. Pisses me off.
Jon's family is not doing well, healthwise. So, he's real stressed out right now. We haven't really talked too muc in the last week.
Mama's goin' through stuff right now with her breast and it feels really good, because Jon knows what it's like.
I feel very close to Jon.
I miss him tons right now.
It's tense between Andrew and I. So distant. So regretful. Full of "What if"s and it's just depressing to think about how distant we were. I'm sorry that I ignored it. I love him so very much. "We went through alot whil you were here." It's true, we did. We really did. It's impossible to ignore that. I don't take it back either. It hapened. Things happen for a reason. I believe that with everything in me.
This is happening for a reason, too.
Am I suppse to be strong and stay with Andrew?
Is my honesty being tested?
Are Jon and I being tested?
Am I suppose to be here for Jon?
Were Jon and I always suppose to be together?
One piece for him, one piece for you?
Where are you going all alone? July 16th 2009
Journal entry from... July 16th 2009
Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?
I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.
If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.
He loved me, too.
Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.
I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.
I miss feeling that way about Andrew.
I miss Jon.
I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.
Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?
I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.
If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.
He loved me, too.
Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.
I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.
I miss feeling that way about Andrew.
I miss Jon.
I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.
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