July 24th 2009

Journal entry from.. July 24th 2009

It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.

I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.

Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!

Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.

Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.

I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.

I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.

So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.