Where are you going all alone? July 16th 2009

Journal entry from... July 16th 2009

Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?

I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.

If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.

He loved me, too.

Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.

I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.

I miss feeling that way about Andrew.

I miss Jon.

I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.