Journal entry from.. July 15, 2009
What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What kind of lifestyle do I want to have when I get older?
I feel safety with Andrew because we would both have careers and then we plan on traveling the world. Andrew owns his own home. We would be anchoredin Christchurch with his family.
What about Jon? Good question. I have no idea what his goals in life are. No idea. I would put off school to go on the road with him. And I would love every second of it. "Netoma do something for yourself. Be happy"That's all I want, is to be happy.
I have a fleeting soul, ,in that all I ever want to do is run. To feel free.I'm tying to make everyone else happy.Getting a job is for myself but it's to pay for plane tickets for Andrew and pay for my phone to talk to Jon and Andrew.Go to school for my parents' sake and to get back to New Zealand to be with Andrew.
What do I want more than all of that?
I want to run away with Jon.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
July 11th 2009
Journal entry from... July 11th 2009
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
Friday, August 7, 2009
Dear dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets. You're the only one that I know who'll keep them. July 8th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 8th 2009
There's a reason that secrets are secrets.
Reasons for keeping secrets include:
-embarrassment
-fear
-love
...shame
Secrets protect people. They give power to their holders. They always hurt... someone.
My biggest secrets are kept out of shame and embarrassment. I keep them to protect the people around me. I'm afraid people wouldn't love me anymoreif they knew the me that I do.
I realized this morning that I have a whole new set of secrets. Seccrets from Jon. I feel the need to keep things about myllove life secret from him out of love. Fear of hurting him. I want to be open about everything with him, but I understand now that it's wishful thinking.
I'm very good at hurting people when I don't mean to.
"-holds tight to self- No matter if we fight or hurt eachother, this will always be wonderful to me. Just holding you all night. True happiness"
Always hurts me 10x more than them.
There's a reason that secrets are secrets.
Reasons for keeping secrets include:
-embarrassment
-fear
-love
...shame
Secrets protect people. They give power to their holders. They always hurt... someone.
My biggest secrets are kept out of shame and embarrassment. I keep them to protect the people around me. I'm afraid people wouldn't love me anymoreif they knew the me that I do.
I realized this morning that I have a whole new set of secrets. Seccrets from Jon. I feel the need to keep things about myllove life secret from him out of love. Fear of hurting him. I want to be open about everything with him, but I understand now that it's wishful thinking.
I'm very good at hurting people when I don't mean to.
"-holds tight to self- No matter if we fight or hurt eachother, this will always be wonderful to me. Just holding you all night. True happiness"
Always hurts me 10x more than them.
It's too late to wish success. July 6th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 6th 2009
Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"
He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.
Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?
I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.
Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"
He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.
Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?
I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
This is who I am, who I'm not and Who I want to be. July 5th 2009
Journal entry from: July 5th, 2009
I love.
Sometimes love is a burden. A puppeteer. I can't help who I have fallen in love with. They pull me by heartstrings. Have me like no other.When you look into someone's eyes, what do you look for?When you look into my eyes, what do they show you?How is it so easy for me to BE with the perso right in front of me when my heart knows I shouldn't?I don't lie to people. I with hold information.
"Not good enough. If the two of us aren't enough nothing, NOTHING ever will be..."
There's someting I'm not doing. Jon is horribly insecure and he seems to think I have a half dozen or more boy toys.. He is just another doop.If he onlly knew how wrong that was. I wish he knew how alone I feel. He gives me a happiness that only one other person in my life ever has.And still, his voice is the one I want to hear before I sleep. I want to make sure at least his day ended well.
I love.
Sometimes love is a burden. A puppeteer. I can't help who I have fallen in love with. They pull me by heartstrings. Have me like no other.When you look into someone's eyes, what do you look for?When you look into my eyes, what do they show you?How is it so easy for me to BE with the perso right in front of me when my heart knows I shouldn't?I don't lie to people. I with hold information.
"Not good enough. If the two of us aren't enough nothing, NOTHING ever will be..."
There's someting I'm not doing. Jon is horribly insecure and he seems to think I have a half dozen or more boy toys.. He is just another doop.If he onlly knew how wrong that was. I wish he knew how alone I feel. He gives me a happiness that only one other person in my life ever has.And still, his voice is the one I want to hear before I sleep. I want to make sure at least his day ended well.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
July 4th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 4th 2009
It's 11 a.m. My last text message reads:
"...he gonna kill!"
Jon is referring to Andrew reading my journal entries that I wrote over the years of Jon breaking my heart.
My reply:
"Nah, plus it was before I knew him. He'll kill you for all those tears I cried."
Jon replies:
"...well stick the knife in again!"
"You know I love you."
And it's true, I do. Love that's as much a part of who I am as any part of me.
I have a boyfriend and it's not Jon. Two and a half years ago, I met Andrew on MSN Messenger. There is so much more to theserelationships that I could ever write down and hope it to be coherent or even half as heartwrenching and passionate as it all felt.A year ago, ANdrew stepped off a plane into the great Los Angeles International Airport. For two weeks and then 9 months, we spent every night together. We moved into our own home and then I was pulled back. Back to the United States. Back to my parents' home. Stripped from my lover. We both ache. But you see, I find relief where Andrew does not. Someone to love me. A man I wanted more than life itself. Sharing my lust. Forbidden. I fall. I fail.
It's 11 a.m. My last text message reads:
"...he gonna kill!"
Jon is referring to Andrew reading my journal entries that I wrote over the years of Jon breaking my heart.
My reply:
"Nah, plus it was before I knew him. He'll kill you for all those tears I cried."
Jon replies:
"...well stick the knife in again!"
"You know I love you."
And it's true, I do. Love that's as much a part of who I am as any part of me.
I have a boyfriend and it's not Jon. Two and a half years ago, I met Andrew on MSN Messenger. There is so much more to theserelationships that I could ever write down and hope it to be coherent or even half as heartwrenching and passionate as it all felt.A year ago, ANdrew stepped off a plane into the great Los Angeles International Airport. For two weeks and then 9 months, we spent every night together. We moved into our own home and then I was pulled back. Back to the United States. Back to my parents' home. Stripped from my lover. We both ache. But you see, I find relief where Andrew does not. Someone to love me. A man I wanted more than life itself. Sharing my lust. Forbidden. I fall. I fail.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Trying to find home.
This will be my chronicle of going home. Finding home. Finding love.
At this very moment, I sit in my sister's bedroom, where she lives in Phoenix, AZ with her girlfriend, Bridget. They've known each other since they were in 1st Grade. They grew up as best friends and just around a year ago admitted to my father that they intended on getting married some day. Both 20, and students. Striving to find their place in the video game industry, after finishing school and moving to California.
I sit here and wonder about my life. Think about the last year of my life. The last two years. When I made a choice between two people. Two men that love me very much. A year after making that choice, I moved to New Zealand to live with the boy of my dreams. My everything. My heart, my soul. The one person that I had found comfort in. The one person I thought would love me uncontrollably. 9 months after that...
No, I don't have a baby. Doi! But I am back in the states. Living with my parents and unemployed. Andrew, in New Zealand, continuing school. Living with his best friend, Thomas.
And now I seem to be stuck in the middle of these two men again.
Jon, working and saving up money. We plan to... well, run away.
So, what am I thinking?
All my happiness is in New Zealand? Not exactly. Andrew and I are in New Zealand. That life, if I so choose it, is there. It's happy. It's full of real, life-long committment and love.
I'm in Arizona.
Jon is in Texas.
We both haven't exactly settled down yet.
I'm as confused and irritated and annoyed with everything as I've ever been.
I hate this.
My parents want me to start school. As do I. Just don't know what for yet.
I have a traveling itch. Jon can scratch it.
I miss Andrew. He's 7,000 miles away. We deserve a second chance.
I don't want to think about it right now. I can find happy in the states. Maybe I'll visit the notion of going back another day.
Just don't forget what happened. I won't.
For now.. I'm just gonna try to find home.
~Toma
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
