Journal entry from.. August 22nd 2009
August 12 @ 9:59 pm
Ten days since I've heard his voice.
I thought he need me. How could he just leave me like this?
I feel abandoned and I feel a lot lonelier.
It's sad because the day after that phone call, I almost broke up with Andrew. What would have happened if i did?
I would be alone.
Why? Why isn't Jon here with me?
I'm going to assume that he had no choice, but he could have told me. He doesn't tell me. He says that I don't tell him anything.
Andrew says the same thing.
What the hell does he want to know?
I tell them so much, but it doesn't ever seem like enough. Everyone always wants more from me. There is only so much that someone can know about a person.
So, without warning, Jon is not in my life, again.
Big surprise there. yes, I'm hurt. What's he going to do this time? My mind goes straight to Rachael.
I miss him so much. I cling to Andrew.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
August 19th 2009
Journal entry from.. August 19th 2009
i walked out the front door
heard the screen snap close behind me
each step i took, i knew
i was walking toward disappointment
the light from the screen of my cell phone glows in my palm
i press 'send' twice and wince as it beeps
all i want is to hear that you're ok
to hear your voice
why are you leaving me like this?
i lay back in the truck bed and sing
words you'll never hear
my feet dangle
like weights, i can feel my calves stretch to the dirt
just let me melt away
or come back to me!!
Journal entry from... August 20th 2009
i walked out the front door
heard the screen snap close behind me
each step i took, i knew
i was walking toward disappointment
the light from the screen of my cell phone glows in my palm
i press 'send' twice and wince as it beeps
all i want is to hear that you're ok
to hear your voice
why are you leaving me like this?
i lay back in the truck bed and sing
words you'll never hear
my feet dangle
like weights, i can feel my calves stretch to the dirt
just let me melt away
or come back to me!!
Journal entry from... August 20th 2009
L iquor humming, you though she'd always come back to you and
O nce you realized that she said goodbye for the last time, the
V apors escaping from your
E xhaust somehow don't even help.
Can a heart still break once it's stopped beating?
I'll let you know.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Take Your Time (Coming Home)
"Take your time coming home.
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lunchs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
she is here and now she is gone
We had plans, we can't help but make love.
It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody,
and I love somebody.
Yeah I love somebody.
Take your time coming home.
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lungs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
I don't think I'd be misled,
it was a rocknroll band,
I'm still standing.
Take your time coming home.
See, of everyone who called,
Very few said "We believe in you."
The overwhelming choice said
I'm just a bo iinsie a voice
and if that's true, is it true, if it's true,
then what the fuck have I been doing the last six years?
How did I end up here?
How did I find love and conquer all of my fears?
see, I made i out.
Out from under the sun.
And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.
Now I'm not scared
of a sound
or the states
or the stages.
I'm not scared.
I've got friends,
took my call,
came courageous.
Now I feel like I am home.
One more thing, I keep having this dream
where I'm standing on a mountain
Looking out, on the street
I can hear kids in low-income housing singing
"We're through with causing a scene"
I don't know what it means
But I too, I'm through with causing a scene.
She is here and now I think she's ready to go.
For every love that's lost I heard a new one comes.
So come on with me, sing along with me,
Let the wind catch your feet.
If you love somebody,
you'd better let them know.
Take your time coming home."
"Take Your Time (Coming Home)" ~fun.
An intermission between journal entries. I love this song. I love this band. <3
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lunchs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
she is here and now she is gone
We had plans, we can't help but make love.
It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody,
and I love somebody.
Yeah I love somebody.
Take your time coming home.
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lungs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
I don't think I'd be misled,
it was a rocknroll band,
I'm still standing.
Take your time coming home.
See, of everyone who called,
Very few said "We believe in you."
The overwhelming choice said
I'm just a bo iinsie a voice
and if that's true, is it true, if it's true,
then what the fuck have I been doing the last six years?
How did I end up here?
How did I find love and conquer all of my fears?
see, I made i out.
Out from under the sun.
And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.
Now I'm not scared
of a sound
or the states
or the stages.
I'm not scared.
I've got friends,
took my call,
came courageous.
Now I feel like I am home.
One more thing, I keep having this dream
where I'm standing on a mountain
Looking out, on the street
I can hear kids in low-income housing singing
"We're through with causing a scene"
I don't know what it means
But I too, I'm through with causing a scene.
She is here and now I think she's ready to go.
For every love that's lost I heard a new one comes.
So come on with me, sing along with me,
Let the wind catch your feet.
If you love somebody,
you'd better let them know.
Take your time coming home."
"Take Your Time (Coming Home)" ~fun.
An intermission between journal entries. I love this song. I love this band. <3
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge. August 3rd 2009
Journal entry from.. August 3rd 2009
Andrew calls me a rolling stone. He sees it more and more in me everyday. I think it scares him.
Jon encourages me. It's comforting. I love the feeling.
I smile and then I wince.
It's confusing. I guess, I just have to figure out what I want. What kind of life do I want? What am I going to regret not doing less?
*deep breath*shakes head*
I see comfortable living with Andrew. Careers. Compromise. Heavy hobbies.
I see.. living paycheck to paycheck with Jon. Missed opportunities and heavy dreams.
I love them dearly. Both of them.
I don't question their devotion in the slightest. And I know that once I make a decision, I won't waiver.
For right now, I'm figuring what I what want out.
Because that's the answer.
I love you.
Please, be patient.
Andrew calls me a rolling stone. He sees it more and more in me everyday. I think it scares him.
Jon encourages me. It's comforting. I love the feeling.
I smile and then I wince.
It's confusing. I guess, I just have to figure out what I want. What kind of life do I want? What am I going to regret not doing less?
*deep breath*shakes head*
I see comfortable living with Andrew. Careers. Compromise. Heavy hobbies.
I see.. living paycheck to paycheck with Jon. Missed opportunities and heavy dreams.
I love them dearly. Both of them.
I don't question their devotion in the slightest. And I know that once I make a decision, I won't waiver.
For right now, I'm figuring what I what want out.
Because that's the answer.
I love you.
Please, be patient.
tell truths, promise lies August 2nd 2009
Journal entry from.. August 2nd 2009
What make me different than all those other girls you said "love" to?
I think you want to stay with her.
Why would you promise her forever if you didn't mean it?
If I can show up and steal you, what keeps the rest of any of your past from doing the same?
I continue to give my boyfriend hope.
We continue to plan, to be happy, to love.
Our relationship would be fine if you hadn't kept our door again.
If you hadn't let me come in.
I'm not blaming it on you.
If I was truly happy with Andrew, I wouldn't be looking to be with you.
But what am I looking for if it isn't Andrew?
He is everything that I need.
He is all I thought that I wanted.
"Never promised my heart and soul to nobody."
He's promised either, but never both... except now.
I have given Andrew all of me.
And he accepts and he wants me.
Somehow it's not enough.
What make me different than all those other girls you said "love" to?
I think you want to stay with her.
Why would you promise her forever if you didn't mean it?
If I can show up and steal you, what keeps the rest of any of your past from doing the same?
I continue to give my boyfriend hope.
We continue to plan, to be happy, to love.
Our relationship would be fine if you hadn't kept our door again.
If you hadn't let me come in.
I'm not blaming it on you.
If I was truly happy with Andrew, I wouldn't be looking to be with you.
But what am I looking for if it isn't Andrew?
He is everything that I need.
He is all I thought that I wanted.
"Never promised my heart and soul to nobody."
He's promised either, but never both... except now.
I have given Andrew all of me.
And he accepts and he wants me.
Somehow it's not enough.
Bring me closer to love. July 28th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 28th 2009
My secrets burn inside of me.
As they choke themselves out, I trap them.
I wish to forget what happened and what I had done.
Nothing. Never. Words seered into the back of my throat. Memories that'll haunt me always.
I apologize to my lover for never telling him. He deserves to know my secrets. He deserves to know all of me.
What brings people closer... or further... than bearing souls?
Yes, I still have secrets and yes, I wish I could tell you everything. I want nothing more than for you to love and accept me.
I want someone to tell me it wasn't my fault.
I want you to hold me and say it doesn't change a damn thing.
Promise.
There's nothng wrong with me. I'm not that person.
I'm not.
Please, love me.
My secrets burn inside of me.
As they choke themselves out, I trap them.
I wish to forget what happened and what I had done.
Nothing. Never. Words seered into the back of my throat. Memories that'll haunt me always.
I apologize to my lover for never telling him. He deserves to know my secrets. He deserves to know all of me.
What brings people closer... or further... than bearing souls?
Yes, I still have secrets and yes, I wish I could tell you everything. I want nothing more than for you to love and accept me.
I want someone to tell me it wasn't my fault.
I want you to hold me and say it doesn't change a damn thing.
Promise.
There's nothng wrong with me. I'm not that person.
I'm not.
Please, love me.
July 27th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 27th 2009
Saying that someone is yours. I've never held more truth in my words than when I say that Andrew is mine. Couldn't ever, wouldn't ever love anyone like he loves me. I believe him, too.
I've never felt like Jon was mine. Even though I lived for that kid. His heart was spread out. In a million pieces, but I clung to that millionth of a piece. Never let it go. Buried it deep in my heart.
He's still with his girlfriend, btw. She says "love" and he says it back. Kisses. Holds her. Sex stopped a long time ago, thank goodness.
Should I care about is so much? Why does another woman in his arms bother me?
Easy answer.
It's still hard to admit... since he's not mine and I'm not his.
Makes it a hard answer.
I'm so selfish.
I wonder if my insecurities make me cling to men that give me sexual attention. Acceptance.
They love me. I dearly love them.
I kinda miss not having love.
Ironic now that I have too much.
Saying that someone is yours. I've never held more truth in my words than when I say that Andrew is mine. Couldn't ever, wouldn't ever love anyone like he loves me. I believe him, too.
I've never felt like Jon was mine. Even though I lived for that kid. His heart was spread out. In a million pieces, but I clung to that millionth of a piece. Never let it go. Buried it deep in my heart.
He's still with his girlfriend, btw. She says "love" and he says it back. Kisses. Holds her. Sex stopped a long time ago, thank goodness.
Should I care about is so much? Why does another woman in his arms bother me?
Easy answer.
It's still hard to admit... since he's not mine and I'm not his.
Makes it a hard answer.
I'm so selfish.
I wonder if my insecurities make me cling to men that give me sexual attention. Acceptance.
They love me. I dearly love them.
I kinda miss not having love.
Ironic now that I have too much.
July 26th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 26th 2009
Keep them seperated.
I found that keeping my relationship with each of them seperate from one another is the best way to keep everyne happy. The problem with that is that then I begin to feel guilty. I feel like I have two boyfriends. In a way, I guess I kind of do in that both of them only desire me. They tell me each day how much they love me. How much they both want to only have me. Once I realize this, well, then I try to confess. That is when doubts, insecurities and issues all start coming out.
I know. This is my own doing. I should choose and stick with a decision, but...
I love both of them. They are both so different. And so I love them for different reasons, but they both love me very much.
Jon doesn't think anyone will ever stay with him.
Andrew thik he isn't good at anything.
They'll blame themselves for when I choose.
This won't be forgotten.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so stupid.
They make me so so happy. I'm so so loved.
But...
Is this really worth it?
Keep them seperated.
I found that keeping my relationship with each of them seperate from one another is the best way to keep everyne happy. The problem with that is that then I begin to feel guilty. I feel like I have two boyfriends. In a way, I guess I kind of do in that both of them only desire me. They tell me each day how much they love me. How much they both want to only have me. Once I realize this, well, then I try to confess. That is when doubts, insecurities and issues all start coming out.
I know. This is my own doing. I should choose and stick with a decision, but...
I love both of them. They are both so different. And so I love them for different reasons, but they both love me very much.
Jon doesn't think anyone will ever stay with him.
Andrew thik he isn't good at anything.
They'll blame themselves for when I choose.
This won't be forgotten.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so stupid.
They make me so so happy. I'm so so loved.
But...
Is this really worth it?
July 25th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 25th 2009
I want to see Rhode Island. Who's going to take me to see it?
I wonder if the stars are the same everywhere you go.
I wonder...
I wonder where I'm going to end.
And I wonder.. who will be with me.
Death.. is always looming. I don't think about it often, but I do. It's like a myth almost. It's like a magical thing. People disappearing. All over, death doesn't discriminate.
When I dream of the future, I don't see here. I'm always away from here. Away in perfect places with perfect people. I guess that's why its dreaming.
I need to make my future. Stop trying to find it.
Choose.
Love is coming home.
I want to see Rhode Island. Who's going to take me to see it?
I wonder if the stars are the same everywhere you go.
I wonder...
I wonder where I'm going to end.
And I wonder.. who will be with me.
Death.. is always looming. I don't think about it often, but I do. It's like a myth almost. It's like a magical thing. People disappearing. All over, death doesn't discriminate.
When I dream of the future, I don't see here. I'm always away from here. Away in perfect places with perfect people. I guess that's why its dreaming.
I need to make my future. Stop trying to find it.
Choose.
Love is coming home.
July 24th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 24th 2009
It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.
I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.
Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!
Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.
Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.
I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.
I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.
So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.
It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.
I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.
Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!
Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.
Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.
I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.
I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.
So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Think I wanna die if you don't stay... July 22nd 2009
Journal entry from.. July 22nd 2009
Next weekend.
...
Next weekend?!?!
That's what he told me. Next weekend. So, what happens now?
School starting just around the corner. Do I shoot to start school in December?
I still need to find a job. So, do I waste some time with Jon? Do I have time to waste?
Why do I even want to be with Jon? It's a valid question to ask myself. I'll answer it as best as I can right now.
Jon is like a ... he's older than I am. He's been through a lot. Things that I can't even imagine. He makes me happ in a way that only he could. I love his odd sense of humor. His bluntness. His honesty and sincerity. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to know me like noone else does. Or could. He's morbid and twisted. He's fucked up and I imagine easily an asshole. I wouldn't ever let him treat me bad. Not that he would. I don't think he ever could. I often wonder why the pull between us is so strong. How did it ever get this way? Is there consistency to it? Or are we bonded by the siple fact that we have a bond? I know that because he loves me, I cling to it, but I do really love him.
And I really need to be held right now.
So, in that way, I need him.
Next weekend.
...
Next weekend?!?!
That's what he told me. Next weekend. So, what happens now?
School starting just around the corner. Do I shoot to start school in December?
I still need to find a job. So, do I waste some time with Jon? Do I have time to waste?
Why do I even want to be with Jon? It's a valid question to ask myself. I'll answer it as best as I can right now.
Jon is like a ... he's older than I am. He's been through a lot. Things that I can't even imagine. He makes me happ in a way that only he could. I love his odd sense of humor. His bluntness. His honesty and sincerity. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to know me like noone else does. Or could. He's morbid and twisted. He's fucked up and I imagine easily an asshole. I wouldn't ever let him treat me bad. Not that he would. I don't think he ever could. I often wonder why the pull between us is so strong. How did it ever get this way? Is there consistency to it? Or are we bonded by the siple fact that we have a bond? I know that because he loves me, I cling to it, but I do really love him.
And I really need to be held right now.
So, in that way, I need him.
Can my heart really break in two? One piece for him and one piece for you? July 17th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 17th 2009
I hate it when Andrew talks shit about America. Like he has any right to judge this country. Pisses me off.
Jon's family is not doing well, healthwise. So, he's real stressed out right now. We haven't really talked too muc in the last week.
Mama's goin' through stuff right now with her breast and it feels really good, because Jon knows what it's like.
I feel very close to Jon.
I miss him tons right now.
It's tense between Andrew and I. So distant. So regretful. Full of "What if"s and it's just depressing to think about how distant we were. I'm sorry that I ignored it. I love him so very much. "We went through alot whil you were here." It's true, we did. We really did. It's impossible to ignore that. I don't take it back either. It hapened. Things happen for a reason. I believe that with everything in me.
This is happening for a reason, too.
Am I suppse to be strong and stay with Andrew?
Is my honesty being tested?
Are Jon and I being tested?
Am I suppose to be here for Jon?
Were Jon and I always suppose to be together?
One piece for him, one piece for you?
I hate it when Andrew talks shit about America. Like he has any right to judge this country. Pisses me off.
Jon's family is not doing well, healthwise. So, he's real stressed out right now. We haven't really talked too muc in the last week.
Mama's goin' through stuff right now with her breast and it feels really good, because Jon knows what it's like.
I feel very close to Jon.
I miss him tons right now.
It's tense between Andrew and I. So distant. So regretful. Full of "What if"s and it's just depressing to think about how distant we were. I'm sorry that I ignored it. I love him so very much. "We went through alot whil you were here." It's true, we did. We really did. It's impossible to ignore that. I don't take it back either. It hapened. Things happen for a reason. I believe that with everything in me.
This is happening for a reason, too.
Am I suppse to be strong and stay with Andrew?
Is my honesty being tested?
Are Jon and I being tested?
Am I suppose to be here for Jon?
Were Jon and I always suppose to be together?
One piece for him, one piece for you?
Where are you going all alone? July 16th 2009
Journal entry from... July 16th 2009
Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?
I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.
If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.
He loved me, too.
Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.
I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.
I miss feeling that way about Andrew.
I miss Jon.
I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.
Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?
I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.
If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.
He loved me, too.
Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.
I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.
I miss feeling that way about Andrew.
I miss Jon.
I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
