Journal entry from... September 6th 2009
God damn it! I'm so in love with Jon.
He is the single, most passionate person, who arrouses me beyond comprehension with just a sound. I have seen his body and I love it. I adore him. He's mine. And even though I know not how long it will be until we can finally relish in eachother's company, I'm more than ready to wait. To wait for him.
that emptiness that I've been feeling is only relieved until I need arms around me. I love him and I miss his voice.
Months is a definite. Years? Possible. He said it'd be ess than one.. followed by a ''god, don't make me a liar''. wouldn't dream of it! I hope we can do this.
Don't let the past repeat itself and don't let our hearts or eyes wander. For our sanity and our hearts' sakes.
And when we do come together, please, for all the wellness in the world, I can't part from him.
Life got in the way, We shold have been together forever ago.
He has had 3, I just one. Lover's damaged and ourselves wrecked. He won't get that from me.
Please, don't let me bore another lover.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
September 5th 2009
Journal entry from... September 5th 2009
Andrew's second to last message from last night reads:
"I guess I'm over trying to be with you.."
...
I don't know what to say. I feel like I broke him. Andrew and I still share an immense closeness and openness. It's a damn shae that it just didn't feel right. I wonder if we really could have changed and been perfect, everlasting. For me, it's too much. Waiting hurts. the cost of trying to visit eachother is so much and we're both going to be students.
He told me last night that I will always have a special place in his heart.
So sweet. It's the same for me. I love him. He's an amazing guy with really great things happening for him. I wish it would have gone differently.
But mybe I'm suppose to be with Jon.
We're a mess and is like being on a rollercoaster.
I wonder if it'll always be like this.
I can barely handle it right now. x.x
We aren't together even. I won't call him officially mine until Rachael is out of the picture.
Can't believe he's Fuckin' married. rrrrrrgghh.
Love, Toma
Andrew's second to last message from last night reads:
"I guess I'm over trying to be with you.."
...
I don't know what to say. I feel like I broke him. Andrew and I still share an immense closeness and openness. It's a damn shae that it just didn't feel right. I wonder if we really could have changed and been perfect, everlasting. For me, it's too much. Waiting hurts. the cost of trying to visit eachother is so much and we're both going to be students.
He told me last night that I will always have a special place in his heart.
So sweet. It's the same for me. I love him. He's an amazing guy with really great things happening for him. I wish it would have gone differently.
But mybe I'm suppose to be with Jon.
We're a mess and is like being on a rollercoaster.
I wonder if it'll always be like this.
I can barely handle it right now. x.x
We aren't together even. I won't call him officially mine until Rachael is out of the picture.
Can't believe he's Fuckin' married. rrrrrrgghh.
Love, Toma
Monday, October 19, 2009
August 27th 2009
Journal entry from... August 27th 2009
It would be wrong to say that Andrew and I have decided to just be friends right now, because I ave decided that. He keeps telling me how he doesn't see what's changed, but I feel it.
And no, this doesn't mean that I've chosen to be with Jon.
But the good thing about this is that I can explore my options. I'm not looking to ''see what's next''. I still feel like this isn't the end for Andrew and I.
I told both of them that if a girl comes around and wants to be with one of them that they shouldn't think twice, they should go.
Jon's response: "I can't do that, Netoma."
Andy's reponse: "I don't want to be with anyone, but you."
I love them both very much. I think this is the best thing to do right now.
Freedom. Spreak my wings. In time, I'll see and I'll realize who is really here for me, too.
So far, they're both very close still. I know I was afraid of Andrew never speaking to me again, but he's offered to ''take me back'' if that's what I choose.
So, I'm really happy about everything kind of. I feel resolution even though I sene adventure in the near future.
Journal entry from... August 28th 2009
If life is blank pages, I want to fill he with you.
Handwritten pages of bright sun and a sky of blue.
I want fairytales and fluffy, perfect nimbulus clouds.
Stand toe to toe with the depths of the Grand Canyon.
And you know that little heart I draw above my nail?
It's yours.
I will send all mylove to you in spirit. Each pen stroke is my heart bleeding out.
Half way aroundthe country...
.. or half way around the world...
I'll get to you.
Love me do.
Love me don't.
I love you blushes. And flutters of eyelashes long your cheeks. Kiss my eyes, lay me down.
Warm shudders.
Andrew and Jon are both so pretective of me. It's kinda ridiculous. Neither of them is any less in love with me. Especially not Andrew, surprisingly.
Jon has so much life going on right now. He's still with Rachael, even. Says it's going to end no matter what. I just woner why it hasn't ended already... does he have honest intentions. Wouldn't seem that way to me. So he can hurt and beg and be all feauxcocky, I'm just going to continue to listen to his ''I love you''s and try and be happy.
Journal entry from... August 29th 2009
Andrew and I seem alot more comfortable this way. No pressure, but I do still feel hi hold on me.
We 'made love' yesterday. Like madness, it was the most amazing thing. Weird that we could connect like that considering the circumstances.
There's tension between Jon and I. I guess he assumed that since I broke up with Andrew, I'm ready to commit to him which is not the case.
Yes, I love him and I want to hae a serious relatipnship with hm, move in, do that whole thing, but I'm not ready to jump into something like that. Andrew has hurt e. I've learned so much about myself and about not going about males. He promises that what happnned between Andy and I won't happen again. I'm still very wary.
I will altleast wait until Jon gets free of Rachael's death grip on him. bitch.
Beginning a relationship with Jon is pretty much an end-all with Andrew. Andy has changed so much for me and so has Jon. Sure, Jon doesn't know me like Andrew does, but I think that my soul really needs what Jon is for me. He is new, he's therapeutic. He has experienced life in a way that neither Andy and I have. That makes me very comfortable with him. Makes me feel secure, too.
Can't wait to feel the way he kisses and holds me.
<3>
It would be wrong to say that Andrew and I have decided to just be friends right now, because I ave decided that. He keeps telling me how he doesn't see what's changed, but I feel it.
And no, this doesn't mean that I've chosen to be with Jon.
But the good thing about this is that I can explore my options. I'm not looking to ''see what's next''. I still feel like this isn't the end for Andrew and I.
I told both of them that if a girl comes around and wants to be with one of them that they shouldn't think twice, they should go.
Jon's response: "I can't do that, Netoma."
Andy's reponse: "I don't want to be with anyone, but you."
I love them both very much. I think this is the best thing to do right now.
Freedom. Spreak my wings. In time, I'll see and I'll realize who is really here for me, too.
So far, they're both very close still. I know I was afraid of Andrew never speaking to me again, but he's offered to ''take me back'' if that's what I choose.
So, I'm really happy about everything kind of. I feel resolution even though I sene adventure in the near future.
Journal entry from... August 28th 2009
If life is blank pages, I want to fill he with you.
Handwritten pages of bright sun and a sky of blue.
I want fairytales and fluffy, perfect nimbulus clouds.
Stand toe to toe with the depths of the Grand Canyon.
And you know that little heart I draw above my nail?
It's yours.
I will send all mylove to you in spirit. Each pen stroke is my heart bleeding out.
Half way aroundthe country...
.. or half way around the world...
I'll get to you.
Love me do.
Love me don't.
I love you blushes. And flutters of eyelashes long your cheeks. Kiss my eyes, lay me down.
Warm shudders.
Andrew and Jon are both so pretective of me. It's kinda ridiculous. Neither of them is any less in love with me. Especially not Andrew, surprisingly.
Jon has so much life going on right now. He's still with Rachael, even. Says it's going to end no matter what. I just woner why it hasn't ended already... does he have honest intentions. Wouldn't seem that way to me. So he can hurt and beg and be all feauxcocky, I'm just going to continue to listen to his ''I love you''s and try and be happy.
Journal entry from... August 29th 2009
Andrew and I seem alot more comfortable this way. No pressure, but I do still feel hi hold on me.
We 'made love' yesterday. Like madness, it was the most amazing thing. Weird that we could connect like that considering the circumstances.
There's tension between Jon and I. I guess he assumed that since I broke up with Andrew, I'm ready to commit to him which is not the case.
Yes, I love him and I want to hae a serious relatipnship with hm, move in, do that whole thing, but I'm not ready to jump into something like that. Andrew has hurt e. I've learned so much about myself and about not going about males. He promises that what happnned between Andy and I won't happen again. I'm still very wary.
I will altleast wait until Jon gets free of Rachael's death grip on him. bitch.
Beginning a relationship with Jon is pretty much an end-all with Andrew. Andy has changed so much for me and so has Jon. Sure, Jon doesn't know me like Andrew does, but I think that my soul really needs what Jon is for me. He is new, he's therapeutic. He has experienced life in a way that neither Andy and I have. That makes me very comfortable with him. Makes me feel secure, too.
Can't wait to feel the way he kisses and holds me.
<3>
Friday, October 9, 2009
August 25th 2009
Journal entry from.. August 25th 2009
Jon is back. He's back! He's back...
Itold him. I told him that I was going to be with you. His last text reads:
"Tears don't fall, they crash around me."
I hope he has found silence in his sorrow. That he can sleep and dream of better places.
I don't know where tonight will take us. He said he's call tomorrow. We have things to discuss, he said.
He's probably crying buckets.
Tears all for me. Tears for my loss. Have I died?
No, I'm living!
Andrew is my love, he's my heart, he's my future.
I want to see those hills again and that ocean. I ant him to hold me and kiss me like he never did.
I feel great loss and great sorrow, but with Jon, it's not a new feeling. And I am so tired of feeling it. So tired of never knowing.
I love him. He may well be my oldest and dearest friend, but I can't count on him to be what I want and what I need.
Love, Toma.
Jon is back. He's back! He's back...
Itold him. I told him that I was going to be with you. His last text reads:
"Tears don't fall, they crash around me."
I hope he has found silence in his sorrow. That he can sleep and dream of better places.
I don't know where tonight will take us. He said he's call tomorrow. We have things to discuss, he said.
He's probably crying buckets.
Tears all for me. Tears for my loss. Have I died?
No, I'm living!
Andrew is my love, he's my heart, he's my future.
I want to see those hills again and that ocean. I ant him to hold me and kiss me like he never did.
I feel great loss and great sorrow, but with Jon, it's not a new feeling. And I am so tired of feeling it. So tired of never knowing.
I love him. He may well be my oldest and dearest friend, but I can't count on him to be what I want and what I need.
Love, Toma.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
August 24th 2009
Journal entry from... August 24th 2009
I looked myself in the mirror. Speak to Jon, my voice cracked as I muttered the words...
"Why did you leave me?"
And while I imagine his responses, I swallow my sorrow.
Andrew and I have fallen in love again.
After Yvan described in great detail last night how he would have enjoyed bending me over that table in Starbucks and fucked my brains out.
I felt numb to it.
Jon left me and I fell in love with Andrew all over again. I've been wet half the day as ANdrew asks all kinds of questions about our future and how I would like him to finger me on the sofa and nibble my earlobes. so perfect. Everything we talk about like that is so perfect.
So, I hate how it wasn't like that at all in real life. Will it be next time?
Am I going to plan and wait and hold out for the next ten years for disappointment.
To be taken advantage of again?
No way of knowing.
i just know that Jon left.
And i fell in love with Andrew all over again.
<3
I looked myself in the mirror. Speak to Jon, my voice cracked as I muttered the words...
"Why did you leave me?"
And while I imagine his responses, I swallow my sorrow.
Andrew and I have fallen in love again.
After Yvan described in great detail last night how he would have enjoyed bending me over that table in Starbucks and fucked my brains out.
I felt numb to it.
Jon left me and I fell in love with Andrew all over again. I've been wet half the day as ANdrew asks all kinds of questions about our future and how I would like him to finger me on the sofa and nibble my earlobes. so perfect. Everything we talk about like that is so perfect.
So, I hate how it wasn't like that at all in real life. Will it be next time?
Am I going to plan and wait and hold out for the next ten years for disappointment.
To be taken advantage of again?
No way of knowing.
i just know that Jon left.
And i fell in love with Andrew all over again.
<3
Sunday, September 27, 2009
August 22nd 2009
Journal entry from.. August 22nd 2009
August 12 @ 9:59 pm
Ten days since I've heard his voice.
I thought he need me. How could he just leave me like this?
I feel abandoned and I feel a lot lonelier.
It's sad because the day after that phone call, I almost broke up with Andrew. What would have happened if i did?
I would be alone.
Why? Why isn't Jon here with me?
I'm going to assume that he had no choice, but he could have told me. He doesn't tell me. He says that I don't tell him anything.
Andrew says the same thing.
What the hell does he want to know?
I tell them so much, but it doesn't ever seem like enough. Everyone always wants more from me. There is only so much that someone can know about a person.
So, without warning, Jon is not in my life, again.
Big surprise there. yes, I'm hurt. What's he going to do this time? My mind goes straight to Rachael.
I miss him so much. I cling to Andrew.
August 12 @ 9:59 pm
Ten days since I've heard his voice.
I thought he need me. How could he just leave me like this?
I feel abandoned and I feel a lot lonelier.
It's sad because the day after that phone call, I almost broke up with Andrew. What would have happened if i did?
I would be alone.
Why? Why isn't Jon here with me?
I'm going to assume that he had no choice, but he could have told me. He doesn't tell me. He says that I don't tell him anything.
Andrew says the same thing.
What the hell does he want to know?
I tell them so much, but it doesn't ever seem like enough. Everyone always wants more from me. There is only so much that someone can know about a person.
So, without warning, Jon is not in my life, again.
Big surprise there. yes, I'm hurt. What's he going to do this time? My mind goes straight to Rachael.
I miss him so much. I cling to Andrew.
August 19th 2009
Journal entry from.. August 19th 2009
i walked out the front door
heard the screen snap close behind me
each step i took, i knew
i was walking toward disappointment
the light from the screen of my cell phone glows in my palm
i press 'send' twice and wince as it beeps
all i want is to hear that you're ok
to hear your voice
why are you leaving me like this?
i lay back in the truck bed and sing
words you'll never hear
my feet dangle
like weights, i can feel my calves stretch to the dirt
just let me melt away
or come back to me!!
Journal entry from... August 20th 2009
i walked out the front door
heard the screen snap close behind me
each step i took, i knew
i was walking toward disappointment
the light from the screen of my cell phone glows in my palm
i press 'send' twice and wince as it beeps
all i want is to hear that you're ok
to hear your voice
why are you leaving me like this?
i lay back in the truck bed and sing
words you'll never hear
my feet dangle
like weights, i can feel my calves stretch to the dirt
just let me melt away
or come back to me!!
Journal entry from... August 20th 2009
L iquor humming, you though she'd always come back to you and
O nce you realized that she said goodbye for the last time, the
V apors escaping from your
E xhaust somehow don't even help.
Can a heart still break once it's stopped beating?
I'll let you know.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Take Your Time (Coming Home)
"Take your time coming home.
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lunchs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
she is here and now she is gone
We had plans, we can't help but make love.
It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody,
and I love somebody.
Yeah I love somebody.
Take your time coming home.
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lungs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
I don't think I'd be misled,
it was a rocknroll band,
I'm still standing.
Take your time coming home.
See, of everyone who called,
Very few said "We believe in you."
The overwhelming choice said
I'm just a bo iinsie a voice
and if that's true, is it true, if it's true,
then what the fuck have I been doing the last six years?
How did I end up here?
How did I find love and conquer all of my fears?
see, I made i out.
Out from under the sun.
And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.
Now I'm not scared
of a sound
or the states
or the stages.
I'm not scared.
I've got friends,
took my call,
came courageous.
Now I feel like I am home.
One more thing, I keep having this dream
where I'm standing on a mountain
Looking out, on the street
I can hear kids in low-income housing singing
"We're through with causing a scene"
I don't know what it means
But I too, I'm through with causing a scene.
She is here and now I think she's ready to go.
For every love that's lost I heard a new one comes.
So come on with me, sing along with me,
Let the wind catch your feet.
If you love somebody,
you'd better let them know.
Take your time coming home."
"Take Your Time (Coming Home)" ~fun.
An intermission between journal entries. I love this song. I love this band. <3
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lunchs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
she is here and now she is gone
We had plans, we can't help but make love.
It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody,
and I love somebody.
Yeah I love somebody.
Take your time coming home.
Hear the wheels as they roll.
Let your lungs fill up with smoke.
Forgive everyone.
I don't think I'd be misled,
it was a rocknroll band,
I'm still standing.
Take your time coming home.
See, of everyone who called,
Very few said "We believe in you."
The overwhelming choice said
I'm just a bo iinsie a voice
and if that's true, is it true, if it's true,
then what the fuck have I been doing the last six years?
How did I end up here?
How did I find love and conquer all of my fears?
see, I made i out.
Out from under the sun.
And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.
Now I'm not scared
of a sound
or the states
or the stages.
I'm not scared.
I've got friends,
took my call,
came courageous.
Now I feel like I am home.
One more thing, I keep having this dream
where I'm standing on a mountain
Looking out, on the street
I can hear kids in low-income housing singing
"We're through with causing a scene"
I don't know what it means
But I too, I'm through with causing a scene.
She is here and now I think she's ready to go.
For every love that's lost I heard a new one comes.
So come on with me, sing along with me,
Let the wind catch your feet.
If you love somebody,
you'd better let them know.
Take your time coming home."
"Take Your Time (Coming Home)" ~fun.
An intermission between journal entries. I love this song. I love this band. <3
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge. August 3rd 2009
Journal entry from.. August 3rd 2009
Andrew calls me a rolling stone. He sees it more and more in me everyday. I think it scares him.
Jon encourages me. It's comforting. I love the feeling.
I smile and then I wince.
It's confusing. I guess, I just have to figure out what I want. What kind of life do I want? What am I going to regret not doing less?
*deep breath*shakes head*
I see comfortable living with Andrew. Careers. Compromise. Heavy hobbies.
I see.. living paycheck to paycheck with Jon. Missed opportunities and heavy dreams.
I love them dearly. Both of them.
I don't question their devotion in the slightest. And I know that once I make a decision, I won't waiver.
For right now, I'm figuring what I what want out.
Because that's the answer.
I love you.
Please, be patient.
Andrew calls me a rolling stone. He sees it more and more in me everyday. I think it scares him.
Jon encourages me. It's comforting. I love the feeling.
I smile and then I wince.
It's confusing. I guess, I just have to figure out what I want. What kind of life do I want? What am I going to regret not doing less?
*deep breath*shakes head*
I see comfortable living with Andrew. Careers. Compromise. Heavy hobbies.
I see.. living paycheck to paycheck with Jon. Missed opportunities and heavy dreams.
I love them dearly. Both of them.
I don't question their devotion in the slightest. And I know that once I make a decision, I won't waiver.
For right now, I'm figuring what I what want out.
Because that's the answer.
I love you.
Please, be patient.
tell truths, promise lies August 2nd 2009
Journal entry from.. August 2nd 2009
What make me different than all those other girls you said "love" to?
I think you want to stay with her.
Why would you promise her forever if you didn't mean it?
If I can show up and steal you, what keeps the rest of any of your past from doing the same?
I continue to give my boyfriend hope.
We continue to plan, to be happy, to love.
Our relationship would be fine if you hadn't kept our door again.
If you hadn't let me come in.
I'm not blaming it on you.
If I was truly happy with Andrew, I wouldn't be looking to be with you.
But what am I looking for if it isn't Andrew?
He is everything that I need.
He is all I thought that I wanted.
"Never promised my heart and soul to nobody."
He's promised either, but never both... except now.
I have given Andrew all of me.
And he accepts and he wants me.
Somehow it's not enough.
What make me different than all those other girls you said "love" to?
I think you want to stay with her.
Why would you promise her forever if you didn't mean it?
If I can show up and steal you, what keeps the rest of any of your past from doing the same?
I continue to give my boyfriend hope.
We continue to plan, to be happy, to love.
Our relationship would be fine if you hadn't kept our door again.
If you hadn't let me come in.
I'm not blaming it on you.
If I was truly happy with Andrew, I wouldn't be looking to be with you.
But what am I looking for if it isn't Andrew?
He is everything that I need.
He is all I thought that I wanted.
"Never promised my heart and soul to nobody."
He's promised either, but never both... except now.
I have given Andrew all of me.
And he accepts and he wants me.
Somehow it's not enough.
Bring me closer to love. July 28th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 28th 2009
My secrets burn inside of me.
As they choke themselves out, I trap them.
I wish to forget what happened and what I had done.
Nothing. Never. Words seered into the back of my throat. Memories that'll haunt me always.
I apologize to my lover for never telling him. He deserves to know my secrets. He deserves to know all of me.
What brings people closer... or further... than bearing souls?
Yes, I still have secrets and yes, I wish I could tell you everything. I want nothing more than for you to love and accept me.
I want someone to tell me it wasn't my fault.
I want you to hold me and say it doesn't change a damn thing.
Promise.
There's nothng wrong with me. I'm not that person.
I'm not.
Please, love me.
My secrets burn inside of me.
As they choke themselves out, I trap them.
I wish to forget what happened and what I had done.
Nothing. Never. Words seered into the back of my throat. Memories that'll haunt me always.
I apologize to my lover for never telling him. He deserves to know my secrets. He deserves to know all of me.
What brings people closer... or further... than bearing souls?
Yes, I still have secrets and yes, I wish I could tell you everything. I want nothing more than for you to love and accept me.
I want someone to tell me it wasn't my fault.
I want you to hold me and say it doesn't change a damn thing.
Promise.
There's nothng wrong with me. I'm not that person.
I'm not.
Please, love me.
July 27th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 27th 2009
Saying that someone is yours. I've never held more truth in my words than when I say that Andrew is mine. Couldn't ever, wouldn't ever love anyone like he loves me. I believe him, too.
I've never felt like Jon was mine. Even though I lived for that kid. His heart was spread out. In a million pieces, but I clung to that millionth of a piece. Never let it go. Buried it deep in my heart.
He's still with his girlfriend, btw. She says "love" and he says it back. Kisses. Holds her. Sex stopped a long time ago, thank goodness.
Should I care about is so much? Why does another woman in his arms bother me?
Easy answer.
It's still hard to admit... since he's not mine and I'm not his.
Makes it a hard answer.
I'm so selfish.
I wonder if my insecurities make me cling to men that give me sexual attention. Acceptance.
They love me. I dearly love them.
I kinda miss not having love.
Ironic now that I have too much.
Saying that someone is yours. I've never held more truth in my words than when I say that Andrew is mine. Couldn't ever, wouldn't ever love anyone like he loves me. I believe him, too.
I've never felt like Jon was mine. Even though I lived for that kid. His heart was spread out. In a million pieces, but I clung to that millionth of a piece. Never let it go. Buried it deep in my heart.
He's still with his girlfriend, btw. She says "love" and he says it back. Kisses. Holds her. Sex stopped a long time ago, thank goodness.
Should I care about is so much? Why does another woman in his arms bother me?
Easy answer.
It's still hard to admit... since he's not mine and I'm not his.
Makes it a hard answer.
I'm so selfish.
I wonder if my insecurities make me cling to men that give me sexual attention. Acceptance.
They love me. I dearly love them.
I kinda miss not having love.
Ironic now that I have too much.
July 26th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 26th 2009
Keep them seperated.
I found that keeping my relationship with each of them seperate from one another is the best way to keep everyne happy. The problem with that is that then I begin to feel guilty. I feel like I have two boyfriends. In a way, I guess I kind of do in that both of them only desire me. They tell me each day how much they love me. How much they both want to only have me. Once I realize this, well, then I try to confess. That is when doubts, insecurities and issues all start coming out.
I know. This is my own doing. I should choose and stick with a decision, but...
I love both of them. They are both so different. And so I love them for different reasons, but they both love me very much.
Jon doesn't think anyone will ever stay with him.
Andrew thik he isn't good at anything.
They'll blame themselves for when I choose.
This won't be forgotten.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so stupid.
They make me so so happy. I'm so so loved.
But...
Is this really worth it?
Keep them seperated.
I found that keeping my relationship with each of them seperate from one another is the best way to keep everyne happy. The problem with that is that then I begin to feel guilty. I feel like I have two boyfriends. In a way, I guess I kind of do in that both of them only desire me. They tell me each day how much they love me. How much they both want to only have me. Once I realize this, well, then I try to confess. That is when doubts, insecurities and issues all start coming out.
I know. This is my own doing. I should choose and stick with a decision, but...
I love both of them. They are both so different. And so I love them for different reasons, but they both love me very much.
Jon doesn't think anyone will ever stay with him.
Andrew thik he isn't good at anything.
They'll blame themselves for when I choose.
This won't be forgotten.
I'm so selfish.
I'm so stupid.
They make me so so happy. I'm so so loved.
But...
Is this really worth it?
July 25th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 25th 2009
I want to see Rhode Island. Who's going to take me to see it?
I wonder if the stars are the same everywhere you go.
I wonder...
I wonder where I'm going to end.
And I wonder.. who will be with me.
Death.. is always looming. I don't think about it often, but I do. It's like a myth almost. It's like a magical thing. People disappearing. All over, death doesn't discriminate.
When I dream of the future, I don't see here. I'm always away from here. Away in perfect places with perfect people. I guess that's why its dreaming.
I need to make my future. Stop trying to find it.
Choose.
Love is coming home.
I want to see Rhode Island. Who's going to take me to see it?
I wonder if the stars are the same everywhere you go.
I wonder...
I wonder where I'm going to end.
And I wonder.. who will be with me.
Death.. is always looming. I don't think about it often, but I do. It's like a myth almost. It's like a magical thing. People disappearing. All over, death doesn't discriminate.
When I dream of the future, I don't see here. I'm always away from here. Away in perfect places with perfect people. I guess that's why its dreaming.
I need to make my future. Stop trying to find it.
Choose.
Love is coming home.
July 24th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 24th 2009
It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.
I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.
Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!
Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.
Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.
I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.
I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.
So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.
It's impossible to leave Andrew.
It's impossible to stay away from Jon.
I was up ntil 3:30 this morning talking to Andrew.
Such a mess. I'm such a mess.
There's not a facet of my life that I'm happy with. I have no job, my bank account's in the negative, I'm juggling two relationships, phone bills coming every month, I want to be anywhere but here!
Jon's an escape from everything.
A vacation. Something I need so desperately.
OK, maybe not need... it's a want. It's a wish.
My soul is screaming for it.
Andrew is bottling me up.
Honestly, more than anything, I just need a job.
I need money. That would stess me out so much less if I didn't have to worry about that.
I'm staying with Andrew because he can't be without me and I want to be with him. Work on our relationship. I want it to be like it was.
I think we can fix it.
I just want to feel loved again.
So, I cling to Jon.
He's unconditional, constant affection.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Think I wanna die if you don't stay... July 22nd 2009
Journal entry from.. July 22nd 2009
Next weekend.
...
Next weekend?!?!
That's what he told me. Next weekend. So, what happens now?
School starting just around the corner. Do I shoot to start school in December?
I still need to find a job. So, do I waste some time with Jon? Do I have time to waste?
Why do I even want to be with Jon? It's a valid question to ask myself. I'll answer it as best as I can right now.
Jon is like a ... he's older than I am. He's been through a lot. Things that I can't even imagine. He makes me happ in a way that only he could. I love his odd sense of humor. His bluntness. His honesty and sincerity. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to know me like noone else does. Or could. He's morbid and twisted. He's fucked up and I imagine easily an asshole. I wouldn't ever let him treat me bad. Not that he would. I don't think he ever could. I often wonder why the pull between us is so strong. How did it ever get this way? Is there consistency to it? Or are we bonded by the siple fact that we have a bond? I know that because he loves me, I cling to it, but I do really love him.
And I really need to be held right now.
So, in that way, I need him.
Next weekend.
...
Next weekend?!?!
That's what he told me. Next weekend. So, what happens now?
School starting just around the corner. Do I shoot to start school in December?
I still need to find a job. So, do I waste some time with Jon? Do I have time to waste?
Why do I even want to be with Jon? It's a valid question to ask myself. I'll answer it as best as I can right now.
Jon is like a ... he's older than I am. He's been through a lot. Things that I can't even imagine. He makes me happ in a way that only he could. I love his odd sense of humor. His bluntness. His honesty and sincerity. I want to tell him all my secrets. I want him to know me like noone else does. Or could. He's morbid and twisted. He's fucked up and I imagine easily an asshole. I wouldn't ever let him treat me bad. Not that he would. I don't think he ever could. I often wonder why the pull between us is so strong. How did it ever get this way? Is there consistency to it? Or are we bonded by the siple fact that we have a bond? I know that because he loves me, I cling to it, but I do really love him.
And I really need to be held right now.
So, in that way, I need him.
Can my heart really break in two? One piece for him and one piece for you? July 17th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 17th 2009
I hate it when Andrew talks shit about America. Like he has any right to judge this country. Pisses me off.
Jon's family is not doing well, healthwise. So, he's real stressed out right now. We haven't really talked too muc in the last week.
Mama's goin' through stuff right now with her breast and it feels really good, because Jon knows what it's like.
I feel very close to Jon.
I miss him tons right now.
It's tense between Andrew and I. So distant. So regretful. Full of "What if"s and it's just depressing to think about how distant we were. I'm sorry that I ignored it. I love him so very much. "We went through alot whil you were here." It's true, we did. We really did. It's impossible to ignore that. I don't take it back either. It hapened. Things happen for a reason. I believe that with everything in me.
This is happening for a reason, too.
Am I suppse to be strong and stay with Andrew?
Is my honesty being tested?
Are Jon and I being tested?
Am I suppose to be here for Jon?
Were Jon and I always suppose to be together?
One piece for him, one piece for you?
I hate it when Andrew talks shit about America. Like he has any right to judge this country. Pisses me off.
Jon's family is not doing well, healthwise. So, he's real stressed out right now. We haven't really talked too muc in the last week.
Mama's goin' through stuff right now with her breast and it feels really good, because Jon knows what it's like.
I feel very close to Jon.
I miss him tons right now.
It's tense between Andrew and I. So distant. So regretful. Full of "What if"s and it's just depressing to think about how distant we were. I'm sorry that I ignored it. I love him so very much. "We went through alot whil you were here." It's true, we did. We really did. It's impossible to ignore that. I don't take it back either. It hapened. Things happen for a reason. I believe that with everything in me.
This is happening for a reason, too.
Am I suppse to be strong and stay with Andrew?
Is my honesty being tested?
Are Jon and I being tested?
Am I suppose to be here for Jon?
Were Jon and I always suppose to be together?
One piece for him, one piece for you?
Where are you going all alone? July 16th 2009
Journal entry from... July 16th 2009
Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?
I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.
If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.
He loved me, too.
Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.
I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.
I miss feeling that way about Andrew.
I miss Jon.
I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.
Am I going to end up alone?
Without love or a future?
I need them. I need both of them. Desperately.
If I had to choose to be somewhere, anywhere in the world, I would be laying in bed with Andrew. Maybe sleeping, maybe dreaming and maybe I would be awake, studying Andrew's face as he sleeps. Even though I love Jon dearly, since I was about 12 years old, I've wanted nothing more than for Jon to be mine. Little did I know, he was.
He loved me, too.
Andrew is security. I know that him and I can be happy together. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on, but I think we can do it. I hope.
I don't have that history with Jon. I don't think Jon and I would have the same problems that Andy and I do. Jon would love me and show me that he does. Make me feel special... make me love him.
I miss feeling that way about Andrew.
I miss Jon.
I hope I don't mess this up and lost them both.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
July 15th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 15, 2009
What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What kind of lifestyle do I want to have when I get older?
I feel safety with Andrew because we would both have careers and then we plan on traveling the world. Andrew owns his own home. We would be anchoredin Christchurch with his family.
What about Jon? Good question. I have no idea what his goals in life are. No idea. I would put off school to go on the road with him. And I would love every second of it. "Netoma do something for yourself. Be happy"That's all I want, is to be happy.
I have a fleeting soul, ,in that all I ever want to do is run. To feel free.I'm tying to make everyone else happy.Getting a job is for myself but it's to pay for plane tickets for Andrew and pay for my phone to talk to Jon and Andrew.Go to school for my parents' sake and to get back to New Zealand to be with Andrew.
What do I want more than all of that?
I want to run away with Jon.
What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What kind of lifestyle do I want to have when I get older?
I feel safety with Andrew because we would both have careers and then we plan on traveling the world. Andrew owns his own home. We would be anchoredin Christchurch with his family.
What about Jon? Good question. I have no idea what his goals in life are. No idea. I would put off school to go on the road with him. And I would love every second of it. "Netoma do something for yourself. Be happy"That's all I want, is to be happy.
I have a fleeting soul, ,in that all I ever want to do is run. To feel free.I'm tying to make everyone else happy.Getting a job is for myself but it's to pay for plane tickets for Andrew and pay for my phone to talk to Jon and Andrew.Go to school for my parents' sake and to get back to New Zealand to be with Andrew.
What do I want more than all of that?
I want to run away with Jon.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
July 11th 2009
Journal entry from... July 11th 2009
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
"You don't know how bad this will fuck me up"
That's what he told me. Makes me realize how selfsh I've been. I'm going to ruin him. I can't even imagine... what if he hurts himself because I won'tstay with him? Or worse. I love him, but I'm with Andrew..
Jon and I have our history. Andrew and I is a whole different story. He was my first and I was his first. I helped him pick out his house and we moved into it together. We know eacchother so well and we both want the same things from life.
With Jon, I just have an immense urge to make him happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He wants to be mine and he loves me unconditionally. It's very easy to pretend that I'm his alone, and I'm happy with it.
...until I think about Andrew, our home and his family. My whole life is mapped out there with him.
I guess that's a bit of a bummer. I want the unkown, the adventurous. I want to get lost sometimes. And not know that it will all be ok.
<3
Friday, August 7, 2009
Dear dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets. You're the only one that I know who'll keep them. July 8th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 8th 2009
There's a reason that secrets are secrets.
Reasons for keeping secrets include:
-embarrassment
-fear
-love
...shame
Secrets protect people. They give power to their holders. They always hurt... someone.
My biggest secrets are kept out of shame and embarrassment. I keep them to protect the people around me. I'm afraid people wouldn't love me anymoreif they knew the me that I do.
I realized this morning that I have a whole new set of secrets. Seccrets from Jon. I feel the need to keep things about myllove life secret from him out of love. Fear of hurting him. I want to be open about everything with him, but I understand now that it's wishful thinking.
I'm very good at hurting people when I don't mean to.
"-holds tight to self- No matter if we fight or hurt eachother, this will always be wonderful to me. Just holding you all night. True happiness"
Always hurts me 10x more than them.
There's a reason that secrets are secrets.
Reasons for keeping secrets include:
-embarrassment
-fear
-love
...shame
Secrets protect people. They give power to their holders. They always hurt... someone.
My biggest secrets are kept out of shame and embarrassment. I keep them to protect the people around me. I'm afraid people wouldn't love me anymoreif they knew the me that I do.
I realized this morning that I have a whole new set of secrets. Seccrets from Jon. I feel the need to keep things about myllove life secret from him out of love. Fear of hurting him. I want to be open about everything with him, but I understand now that it's wishful thinking.
I'm very good at hurting people when I don't mean to.
"-holds tight to self- No matter if we fight or hurt eachother, this will always be wonderful to me. Just holding you all night. True happiness"
Always hurts me 10x more than them.
It's too late to wish success. July 6th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 6th 2009
Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"
He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.
Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?
I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.
Each day I wake up to texts and IMs from love and affection.
From Jon:
"Hee. I sleeped. I awake now, go to work. We talk soon!"
"Fuckin love you Netoma!!"
"Sorry I didn't call. Freakin AWESOME storm and my phone was useless. Neat thou! I'm gonna miss you today. And I LOVE you sooo much! Mwah mwah!"
He is such a kiss-ass, huh? HaHa
I often ask myself how I got so lucky.
Lucky? Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Some might use the word "cursed", but to be loved is not.. it's not painful, it's not evil. My heart being ripped in half hurts like hell, though.
Jon makes me feel so good. Soo good. He always has. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his llife. Which hasn't always been the case. Which is what hurtls all the time. He would lead me on, leave and the net thing I knew he was a father, married... and unhappy. Always so unhappy with his circumstances. And I was there for him. Stupid me. It's not that I didn't want to be.. such a good friend.. but never mine. And that's all I wanted. And it's ridiculous that he waits until I'm no longer available. AND seeing as my boyfriend is 7,000 miles away, makes it so so hard for me not to just let go and let myself just dive into this. So, I haven't tried not to. For the most part.
I have two boyfriends.
What good could come of this?
I see complete and utter failure's headlights and like a deer, I can't move.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
This is who I am, who I'm not and Who I want to be. July 5th 2009
Journal entry from: July 5th, 2009
I love.
Sometimes love is a burden. A puppeteer. I can't help who I have fallen in love with. They pull me by heartstrings. Have me like no other.When you look into someone's eyes, what do you look for?When you look into my eyes, what do they show you?How is it so easy for me to BE with the perso right in front of me when my heart knows I shouldn't?I don't lie to people. I with hold information.
"Not good enough. If the two of us aren't enough nothing, NOTHING ever will be..."
There's someting I'm not doing. Jon is horribly insecure and he seems to think I have a half dozen or more boy toys.. He is just another doop.If he onlly knew how wrong that was. I wish he knew how alone I feel. He gives me a happiness that only one other person in my life ever has.And still, his voice is the one I want to hear before I sleep. I want to make sure at least his day ended well.
I love.
Sometimes love is a burden. A puppeteer. I can't help who I have fallen in love with. They pull me by heartstrings. Have me like no other.When you look into someone's eyes, what do you look for?When you look into my eyes, what do they show you?How is it so easy for me to BE with the perso right in front of me when my heart knows I shouldn't?I don't lie to people. I with hold information.
"Not good enough. If the two of us aren't enough nothing, NOTHING ever will be..."
There's someting I'm not doing. Jon is horribly insecure and he seems to think I have a half dozen or more boy toys.. He is just another doop.If he onlly knew how wrong that was. I wish he knew how alone I feel. He gives me a happiness that only one other person in my life ever has.And still, his voice is the one I want to hear before I sleep. I want to make sure at least his day ended well.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
July 4th 2009
Journal entry from.. July 4th 2009
It's 11 a.m. My last text message reads:
"...he gonna kill!"
Jon is referring to Andrew reading my journal entries that I wrote over the years of Jon breaking my heart.
My reply:
"Nah, plus it was before I knew him. He'll kill you for all those tears I cried."
Jon replies:
"...well stick the knife in again!"
"You know I love you."
And it's true, I do. Love that's as much a part of who I am as any part of me.
I have a boyfriend and it's not Jon. Two and a half years ago, I met Andrew on MSN Messenger. There is so much more to theserelationships that I could ever write down and hope it to be coherent or even half as heartwrenching and passionate as it all felt.A year ago, ANdrew stepped off a plane into the great Los Angeles International Airport. For two weeks and then 9 months, we spent every night together. We moved into our own home and then I was pulled back. Back to the United States. Back to my parents' home. Stripped from my lover. We both ache. But you see, I find relief where Andrew does not. Someone to love me. A man I wanted more than life itself. Sharing my lust. Forbidden. I fall. I fail.
It's 11 a.m. My last text message reads:
"...he gonna kill!"
Jon is referring to Andrew reading my journal entries that I wrote over the years of Jon breaking my heart.
My reply:
"Nah, plus it was before I knew him. He'll kill you for all those tears I cried."
Jon replies:
"...well stick the knife in again!"
"You know I love you."
And it's true, I do. Love that's as much a part of who I am as any part of me.
I have a boyfriend and it's not Jon. Two and a half years ago, I met Andrew on MSN Messenger. There is so much more to theserelationships that I could ever write down and hope it to be coherent or even half as heartwrenching and passionate as it all felt.A year ago, ANdrew stepped off a plane into the great Los Angeles International Airport. For two weeks and then 9 months, we spent every night together. We moved into our own home and then I was pulled back. Back to the United States. Back to my parents' home. Stripped from my lover. We both ache. But you see, I find relief where Andrew does not. Someone to love me. A man I wanted more than life itself. Sharing my lust. Forbidden. I fall. I fail.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Trying to find home.
This will be my chronicle of going home. Finding home. Finding love.
At this very moment, I sit in my sister's bedroom, where she lives in Phoenix, AZ with her girlfriend, Bridget. They've known each other since they were in 1st Grade. They grew up as best friends and just around a year ago admitted to my father that they intended on getting married some day. Both 20, and students. Striving to find their place in the video game industry, after finishing school and moving to California.
I sit here and wonder about my life. Think about the last year of my life. The last two years. When I made a choice between two people. Two men that love me very much. A year after making that choice, I moved to New Zealand to live with the boy of my dreams. My everything. My heart, my soul. The one person that I had found comfort in. The one person I thought would love me uncontrollably. 9 months after that...
No, I don't have a baby. Doi! But I am back in the states. Living with my parents and unemployed. Andrew, in New Zealand, continuing school. Living with his best friend, Thomas.
And now I seem to be stuck in the middle of these two men again.
Jon, working and saving up money. We plan to... well, run away.
So, what am I thinking?
All my happiness is in New Zealand? Not exactly. Andrew and I are in New Zealand. That life, if I so choose it, is there. It's happy. It's full of real, life-long committment and love.
I'm in Arizona.
Jon is in Texas.
We both haven't exactly settled down yet.
I'm as confused and irritated and annoyed with everything as I've ever been.
I hate this.
My parents want me to start school. As do I. Just don't know what for yet.
I have a traveling itch. Jon can scratch it.
I miss Andrew. He's 7,000 miles away. We deserve a second chance.
I don't want to think about it right now. I can find happy in the states. Maybe I'll visit the notion of going back another day.
Just don't forget what happened. I won't.
For now.. I'm just gonna try to find home.
~Toma
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